It looks so easy in romantic comedies, doesn’t it? Bump into your ideal guy ‘by accident’. Have a few ‘hilarious’ setbacks that show him how cute and lovable you are. Then get together at the grand finale.
Meanwhile, you’re sat at home, scrolling through profiles on Tinder that look more like Crimewatch mug shots. Or you’re trapped in a corner at your friend’s wedding, painfully aware you’re the only single person in the room.
The ‘finding people’ part is hard enough. But then you get into the actual ‘dating’ part and it gets even harder. Is this person interested? Are they bored? Did they only agree to meet you to shut up their best mate?
Then it seems to go well, which kicks up a whole new set of questions. Will you even hear from them again? Almost 80% of millennials have been the victim of ‘ghosting’.
What if I told you there was a way you could peek behind your date’s social mask and see the real them? If you could know for certain if they’re interested? If you could know all this and free up your energy so you could show up and enjoy the date?
Then, my dear, let me introduce you to behavioural profiling.
What is behavioural profiling?
Profiling might bring to mind ideas about making snap judgments about people. And yes, certain types of profiling have come under fire recently.
But behavioural profiling is a different process. All it asks you to do is note the behaviour of the person in front of you.
A lot of people have learned how to convincingly tell lies. But only the most skilled con men (and psychopaths) will also tell lies with their body language.
Most of the people you’ll encounter in ordinary situations won’t. So you can read their facial expressions and body language to see what’s going on in their mind. By reading what their behaviour tells you, you can build a profile about what this person is like.
If their expressions and body language match what they’re saying? You’re onto a winner. If there’s a mismatch or a contradiction between their words and expressions? They may be hiding something.
Whether that’s for good or bad reasons depends on the context. (For example, you wouldn’t think it was a bad thing that someone who hide your surprise birthday party!) But behavioural profiling is the closest you’ll get to mind reading.
How does it help with dating?
Dating is difficult at the best of times. People naturally want to put forward the best version of themselves. This can lead to them ‘performing’ who they are as if they’re auditioning for the lead role in your life.
In a worst-case scenario, people may lead you to believe they want a relationship. In reality, they only want one thing. The number of recorded sex attacks involving online dating almost doubled between 2015 and 2019.
It’s easy to spend half of the date wondering how you’re coming across to them. Do they like you? Are they interested? Women often care more about whether their date likes them than deciding if they even like their date.
So why not take the stress out of it with behavioural profiling? When you can tell if someone isn’t genuinely interested, you’ll know you can make excuses to leave. But if they are interested? That means you can spend time enjoying getting to know them.
It also frees you up from constantly second-guessing them. Instead of living entirely in the future (will he call me? Is he interested?) you can live in the present and enjoy the date you’re on.
What should you look for?
These tips work if you’re in person on chatting over a video call. They’re also applicable to any conversations so if you’re not dating, get some practice in! Look out for them when you’re chatting to friends on Zoom, or talking to people in shops.
Let’s start with an easy one.
How do you tell if someone is interested in a real relationship? Rather than asking, you can let their body do the talking.
See if you can weave relationships into the conversation. Maybe ask what brought them to Tinder (or however you met). Perhaps ask how long they’ve been single. (Avoid talking about your own exs though)
While they’re talking, pay attention to what they’re doing with their arms and fingers. When we get scared or stressed, our first instinct is to protect vulnerable parts of the body.
We might raise our shoulders to help protect the neck (think tensed shoulders). We press or cross our arms against our body. Look for fingers curled into our palms or closed fists.
These behaviours say “I’m not comfortable with this conversation”. Now there could be a good reason for that, but it doesn’t scream “ready for a relationship yet”. (You’ll need to use your judgment about whether they’ll lower their defences or not)
By contrast, if someone is confident or comfortable with you? They’ll ‘display’ these vulnerable areas. Expect open palms and expressive body language.
You can also pay attention to how much they blink. This one is also super fun to do when celebrities or politicians are interviewed on TV.
We blink less when we’re interested in something. If you notice them blinking less, you know they’re invested in what you’re talking about.
But if they’re blinking fast while nodding along? That shows a misalignment. They’re showing you the common behaviour for agreement – nodding. But subconsciously they’re showing you they’re not interested. They’ve made a conscious choice to pretend they’re interested when they’re not. This could mean they want to manipulate you.
When you’re talking, have they suddenly changed their pose? As in, they’ve pulled one shoulder back? This is a sign they’re putting themselves into a fighting stance. They’re not likely to actually throw a punch but they don’t agree with what you’re saying.
You’re never going to agree on everything. So if you’re talking about your deep-seated dislike of Marvel films and he pulls this move? It’s not a dealbreaker. But if he does it while you’re talking about children? Pay attention.
Spotting a Liar
Contrary to what a lot of people think, there is no single thing to look out for that tells you a person is lying. But you can look out for the single-shoulder shrug. Their body is literally telling you that they don’t believe what they’re saying.
If they keep covering or touching their mouth, this is also a bad sign. Children learn to cover their mouths when they’ve said something they know is bad. Adults continue to do this.
Sound Like A Useful Skillset?
This is a small taster of a few common things you can watch for on a date. We’ve focused on those things you’ll see from the waist up in case you’re still using video dating.
Has this whetted your appetite to learn more about behavioural profiling? After all, it supercharges your dating life and you can also use this skillset at work or with friends and family!
It’s a great way to spot conflict before it happens and to soothe tensions before they become problems.
We already have our Love With Behavioural Profiling signature program. But if you’d like to learn more before the next round starts?
Sign up for 7 Days to See the Truth, our exclusive bootcamp! This is your introduction to behavioural profiling for just $37. It’s a great way to learn the basics and try them out to see for yourself just how powerful they are.