Setting Boundaries with Narcissists: Why It’s Harder Than You Think (and What to Do Instead)
Have you ever felt like someone in your life just doesn’t listen? Like they bulldoze your boundaries, leaving you drained and questioning your self-worth? If you’ve dealt with a narcissist, this might sound all too familiar. But here’s the truth: boundaries are your greatest tool for reclaiming your peace—even when they feel impossible to enforce."
In this blog, we’ll explore:
Why boundaries often fail with narcissists.
How to protect yourself when boundaries alone aren’t enough.
Practical steps to rebuild your confidence and create healthier relationships.
Why Are Boundaries So Important?
Boundaries are a cornerstone of healthy relationships. They help you:
Protect your emotional well-being.
Communicate your needs and values clearly.
Maintain your sense of self.
Yet, when it comes to narcissists, boundaries can feel ineffective. Why? Because narcissists don’t just ignore boundaries—they actively push against them to regain control.
According to Gavin de Becker in The Gift of Fear, manipulative individuals thrive on access and control. A narcissist sees boundaries not as limits, but as challenges to overcome.
How Narcissists React to Boundaries
When you set boundaries with a narcissist, their responses are often frustratingly predictable. Here are some common tactics they use:
1. Gaslighting
They’ll undermine your confidence and make you question your decisions with phrases like:
“You’re being so dramatic.”
“Why are you suddenly acting like this?”
This is designed to make you feel guilty for setting limits and wear you down into giving in.
2. Ignoring Boundaries
Many narcissists simply disregard boundaries. They might push back subtly or outright steamroll through them, hoping you’ll give up.
3. Emotional Manipulation
Expect guilt-tripping, blame-shifting, or emotional outbursts such as:
“After all I’ve done for you, this is how you repay me?”
“You’re so selfish for putting yourself first.”
This behaviour is intended to make you second-guess your needs and prioritise theirs.
4. Using Boundaries Against You
Narcissists can use your boundaries as ammunition. For instance, if you say, “I need space to focus on my well-being,” they might accuse you of being neglectful or cold.
Why Boundaries Alone Aren’t Enough
In his book Never Split the Difference, former FBI negotiator Chris Voss explains that high-conflict individuals often use your vulnerabilities against you. With narcissists, boundaries can unintentionally reveal what’s most important to you, giving them ammunition to manipulate you further.
This is why boundaries alone are rarely sufficient. You need additional strategies to protect yourself and regain control.
3 Steps to Protect Yourself from Narcissists
When boundaries fail, it’s time to take a more proactive approach. These steps will help you navigate toxic relationships and reclaim your emotional well-being:
Step 1: Learn to Identify Narcissists Early
Narcissists are masters of disguise, often using charm to win people over. Joe Navarro, author of What Every Body is Saying, highlights key behavioural red flags, such as:
A lack of empathy or accountability.
Excessive need for attention or validation.
Frequent blame-shifting or denial of responsibility.
Recognising these traits early can save you from becoming entangled in their toxic web.
Step 2: Set and Honour Boundaries Consistently
Boundaries are only effective if you enforce them. Start with small, manageable limits, such as:
Not answering work emails after 7 pm.
Saying “no” to plans that disrupt your schedule.
Every time you honour a boundary, you reinforce your self-worth and send a clear message that your time and energy matter.
Step 3: Remove Toxic People from Your Life
If someone continually violates your boundaries, it may be time to walk away. As Gavin de Becker advises in The Gift of Fear, trust your instincts—if a relationship feels harmful, it likely is.
Cutting ties with a narcissist often involves going "no contact," which means:
Blocking communication on all platforms.
Avoiding places where they might try to engage you.
Leaning on a support network to rebuild your confidence and emotional strength.
How to Heal and Thrive After a Toxic Relationship
Leaving a narcissist isn’t just about removing them from your life—it’s about rebuilding your self-esteem, learning to trust yourself, and embracing healthier relationships.
At Love With Intelligence, we specialise in guiding high-achieving women through this journey.
Through our Love IQ Membership, you’ll gain:
Tools to identify and avoid toxic relationships.
Strategies to develop emotional intelligence and rebuild self-trust.
Personalised guidance to create a love life aligned with your values and aspirations.
A Vision for Your Future
"Imagine a life where your boundaries are respected, your peace is protected, and your relationships are filled with mutual love and understanding. That life is possible—and it starts with recognising your worth and taking the steps to protect it."
You don’t have to navigate this journey alone. With the right support, you can heal, grow, and thrive.
Ready to Transform Your Love Life?
It’s time to reclaim your peace, your power, and your love life. Join the Love IQ Membership today and start building the emotionally intelligent, fulfilling relationships you deserve.
