Benching and Rotation: Why These Dating Practices Won’t Lead to Lasting Love
You learn a lot at school that doesn’t always seem relevant in adult life. For instance, I can’t remember the last time I needed to quote Shakespeare or solve a quadratic equation.
But one concept has popped back up in an unexpected way—and it’s been twisted to fit modern dating.
Crop rotation, a farming practice we learned in geography, helps maximise yields by rotating crops to preserve soil nutrients. Farmers swear by it. But when applied to dating, it’s a recipe for emotional disaster.
Today, let’s dive into two troubling dating trends—benching and rotation—that are being promoted by some coaches and explain why they won’t help you find the love you’re looking for.
What Are Benching and Rotation?
The idea of "crop rotation" in dating involves juggling several potential partners to avoid becoming too attached to one. The logic? If one connection fizzles out, there’s always another waiting in the wings. This approach is often marketed as a way to appear less needy and maintain a sense of power in your love life.
Benching, on the other hand, is about prioritising one person while keeping others as “backups.” Think of it like a sports team: you have your star player and a bench full of substitutes just in case things don’t work out.
How These Practices Play Out
Let’s say you’re dating multiple people—Beth, Sarah, Lauren, and Kim. With rotation, you might spread your time equally among them, giving each just enough attention to keep them interested. If you’re benching, you’d focus on Beth, your favourite, but keep Sarah, Lauren, and Kim around as fallbacks.
If you’re one of the “benchwarmers,” you’ll likely get last-minute invitations or sporadic texts. You might feel like an afterthought rather than a priority, which is exactly what you are.
Why These Practices Are Problematic
1. Lack of Transparency
Dating multiple people isn’t inherently bad—many people explore their options early on. But benching and rotation cross a line because they lack honesty. The person rotating or benching others is withholding crucial information, leaving their partners in the dark.
2. Dehumanising the Other Person
When you keep someone as a “backup,” you’re treating them as a placeholder rather than a person with feelings, dreams, and aspirations. Research from Psychology Today highlights that this kind of objectification can damage self-esteem and foster mistrust in future relationships.
3. You’re Wasting Their Time
One of the most valuable things we have is time. Studies show that the average person spends over 10 hours a week on dating apps, yet only 12% of users find lasting relationships online. If someone is benching or rotating, they’re taking up your time with no intention of investing in a future with you.
4. Emotional Avoidance
Both tactics stem from an inability to face emotions honestly. Benching, in particular, often indicates a fear of being alone or a need for constant validation. These behaviours prevent emotional growth and create unhealthy patterns.
Signs You’re Being Benched or Rotated
Here’s how to spot the red flags:
Last-minute invitations: You’re a backup plan when their “favourite” is busy.
No concrete plans: They rarely agree to meet up in advance and often keep you guessing.
Sparse communication: Conversations are infrequent or inconsistent.
Hesitation about exclusivity: They avoid defining the relationship or openly discussing seeing others.
If this sounds familiar, trust your instincts. You deserve someone who prioritises and values you.
What Dating Coaches Get Wrong
Some dating coaches defend these tactics, arguing they help people avoid premature emotional investment or rush into relationships. While it’s true that taking time to assess compatibility is essential, benching and rotation promote dishonesty and manipulation rather than meaningful connection.
True emotional intelligence involves open communication, mutual respect, and a willingness to be vulnerable—qualities that are entirely absent in these practices.
A Better Approach to Dating
If you suspect you’re being benched or rotated, you have two choices:
Walk away: Save your energy for someone who’s genuinely interested in building a future with you.
Address the behaviour: Ask them about their intentions. But don’t expect a clear answer if they’re committed to playing games.
Instead of getting caught in these toxic patterns, focus on dating with intention and clarity.
Be selective: Stop swiping endlessly and only pursue matches who align with your values.
Prioritise connection: Look for emotional intelligence and mutual effort early on.
Communicate your needs: Be upfront about what you’re looking for and expect the same in return.
The New Way to Date
At Love With Intelligence, we teach a healthier, more empowered way to date through The Love IQ Method. Our approach combines emotional intelligence, trauma healing, and personalised strategies to help you attract the right partner and create a lasting connection.
Are you ready to leave outdated dating trends behind?
Book your free Love Life Analysis today and learn how to navigate the dating world with confidence and clarity.
Don’t settle for being someone’s option. You’re worth so much more than that. Let’s find you the love you truly deserve.
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